One of the fun parts of expecting a tiny human is all the fun stuff you can play with and learn to use. Baby stuff seems to be extra complicated to use, which is an oxymoron since it’s stuff meant for a small person with the mental processing capability of a chicken (actually, that’s insulting to chickens, I think they are smarter…please no hate mail. I also assume that as a new parent I will have the mental processing capability of a cabbage, but I’ll be entrusted with operating all these complicated things!!). Among the fun items we needed, was a crib. We decided it would be easier to just put baby in the crib from the start, since they have an infant setting in which the mattress is high up (plus everyone knows the whole separate sleeping arrangement is likely to be a nice dream like a sunrise hike on Hawksbill Peak with a newborn. Nice, but not likely). Hence commenced our search for appropriate cribs.

Knowing Modern Domestica and her spouse, with past posts in which we made our own bed, you may assume we wanted to take up the satisfying task of making a solid wooden crib from scratch, ala Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. But this is actually inconvenient, based on the scary safety info I researched and the lack of cheap and environmentally friendly solid mahogany wood lying around. In a sweet gesture, some friends volunteered to buy a crib for us. But which one? All I wanted was a safe, efficient, straightforward crib with no extra frills that would contain our child in his sleeping. Basically what I dubbed a “baby jail.” IMPOSSIBLE. A plain “baby jail” is like a unicorn, easily imagined but hard to prove its existence with facts. Like the search for a unicorn, or a satisfying grocery shopping experience, the search for this crib was a little exhausting and may have caused me to pull my hair out. Everything was expensive, very frilly, too heavy, not great materials, not in stock, dangerous looking, etc. I had liked the Gulliver at IKEA but it was basically not being sold anymore. Finally, we settled on the Sniglair Crib fom IKEA, super simple and plain but with good safety ratings and exactly what we wanted. Finding a plain “baby jail” took searching through cribs that cost $800 rai stones and shipped from the small Micronesian island of Yap in the Pacific where they train raccoons to treat the plastic mixture that is poured into the crib mold.*

And here is the fun tale of putting together the crib. Because it’s IKEA, we are contractually obligated to make fun of it.

Putting together an IKEA Sniglar Crib (ie: baby jail)

Uno. Make sure you have a drink. But if you are pregnant, you can’t drink, so make sure you are relaxed and hydrated. There’s no way to know how bad this upcoming ordeal will be…

Dos. Track down a non-pregnant person if you are pregnant yourself. It is unclear how much lifting  and jiggling will take place, but at least get someone to carry the super insanely heavy box into the room you will be building the crib in. Also, freak out for a second when you realize the crib is too wide for a doorway and hence it will have to be taken apart to be moved anywhere.

Tres. Open the box, don’t cut yourself! Look for the directions pamphlet. Open the pamphlet. Interpret the pamphlet.

Cuatro. Gather the necessary tools. This may include going into the super hot, humid garage in the middle of the afternoon. Try not to pass out. This is why being hydrated is important.

Cinco. Open the package further to find the hardware included. Count the hardware, and make sure you have a quizzical look on your face to convey the confusion of what each hardware piece is for.

Seis. It helps to lay a towel on the floor to not scratch the hardwood.

Siete. Continue following directions, only to
find they are actually super simple and easy. WHAT? Simple IKEA furniture? Yes!

Ocho. Tighten everything well to make sure it’s sturdy. I don’t recommend leaning on it or standing in it. Just jiggle it a bit.

Nueve. Take a step back to contemplate the giant crib which will house a teeny tiny person. Baby jail complete!

 

*No, this is not true. I made this up. There IS an island called Yap and they DO use rai stones as currency, sometimes, but no raccoons or plastic cribs in sight.